The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
let me put it this way. im never saying "join in or get out" again unless i know whos in the room.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize