I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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