When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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