No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
