I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
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