So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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