My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
