she looked like the before picture.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
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