Do you still have your period?
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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