She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize
