It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
We just don't discuss our relationships. It's pretty much like we're single no matter what to each other. And I'm okay with that. ¯\\(ツ)/¯
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
