dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
