You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize