i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
