i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
