My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
FUCK WHALES
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