i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
