Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
