Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
