even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Randomize
