i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
