i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Randomize