M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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