sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
