I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
