I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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