apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
