are you so shy because you have an std?
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
