is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
