I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
