sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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