He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
we just drove by a car that was painted for a grad, it said "you done it!" with a confederate flag bumper sticker next to it. i love kentucky
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Randomize