theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
