Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
