We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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