If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
