im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Randomize
