I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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