proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
