we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
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