he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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