ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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