theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
