Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
