she woke up with a sticky ear
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
FUCK WHALES
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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