i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
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