Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
