He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
