I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
