I cannot find my penis.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize