I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
