new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
whose ass print is on the piano?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼‍♀️
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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