meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
