now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
