my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
