don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
