I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
