What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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