my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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