he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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