at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Randomize
