somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize