I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
