Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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