do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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