We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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