Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
Randomize
