Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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