i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Randomize