just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
