Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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