My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
