24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
