I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
