I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
You ruined the universe
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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