made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
