so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
